chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i will never coherently bang her
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
I just got my evaluation. My manager told me he hated my guts and pretty much wanted to stab me in the face. Then he gave me an "exceeds expectations" on pretty much everything and a raise.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
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