Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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