Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
