I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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