I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
Randomize
