I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.
My last google search is "how to build a flamethrower"
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Randomize
