at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
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