apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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