i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
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Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
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who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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