apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
