woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
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