Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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