You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
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