just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
