I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
