I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3
Omg sara
I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Randomize
