You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
