come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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