I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
