i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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