I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Which one of you fucks put a bounty out on my brother's virginity?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
