I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
