I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Sex with him is like pizza, it can be shitty but its stillll pizza.....
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
You woke up in between the boxspring and the matress in a random dorm room.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
