you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
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