Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
