I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
