I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
lol I'll trade you jello for a tampon
what a trade!
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
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