I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
i just added your friend Valery on the FB just to comment on your tits.... thought id give you a heads up
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
But in the grand scheme of things, "should i bang a hot roommate or a sexy giant" is really not a bad lot in life
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
