just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Randomize
