Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
