You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
