Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
