he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
