i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
Just want to apologize again for asking to spot your form in the shower.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
