it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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