"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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