My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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