I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
They should really pass out barf bags in church
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
