My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
