May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
