i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
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