found out what b.m.t stands for.
what did you think?
bread, meat, tomatoes, but then i realized that could be practically any sub.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
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