yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
Found the puke drawer
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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