there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
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He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
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