i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Randomize
