i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
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I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
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If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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