we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
