I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
I'm going to leave the fate of whether I go to my midterms up to my dealer hitting me up or not
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
some guy just burried his vomit in the sand.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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