It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
