"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
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