i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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