that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
Apparently, I kept going on about how i'm going to name my first born Ramen. I think this is a good parenting move.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
