after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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