I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
True as that may be, are you coming to the birth of my imaginary child or not?
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Just had the biggest masturbatory crisis ever.
What does that mean?
Internet is down.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
