Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
