i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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