I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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