why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
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I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
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If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter