I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
No Bryan wants to get drunk, rub inappropriate dudes legs, talk about my vagina and send me pics of his boomerang dick. That's not how you watch basketball.
That's how he does EVERYTHING!
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
