Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
