My boss' voice literally gives me gas
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Randomize
