her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Brb crying the tears of my youth
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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