He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
You should frame my arrest warrant.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
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