You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
There is a guy in class using a wine bottle as a water bottle. Welcome to the Faculty of Environment.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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